Ask because you’ve never done it before
Ask because He may say no and so what?
Ask because He may say yes and then what?
Go right this time instead of left
Allow yourself the freedom to be fearless
Roar so the Lion can hear you
Even with your quivering voice
Let it quiver and shake
Shake the earth beneath your feet
and let the fear ripple out of your toes
Why wouldn’t want this freedom?
Why shouldn’t invite the dance?
And begin to laugh again like a child
The sweet sweet freedom
Of just being you
between a yes and a no,
when a crossroads presents itself
You can wait here in this space
It is safe and unassuming
before a man tells you I love you
You can see it in his eyes,
or the fold of his lips before he smiles
You can feel his heart beating as he moves closer to you
The words aren’t as important as the being
Here in this moment
when you love someone enough to let them go
You look them over carefully one last time
You are savouring this moment before the release
The curve of his back, the softness of his chest,
the way his hands fold into yours
You say your I love you’s and let go
when a woman is standing alone
Amongst tall buildings and cold pavement
The passing by of strangers
Women with their strollers, babies tucked inside
You touch your belly as if to say, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry”
when you stretch open your body
and see the beauty that surrounds you
Gratitude for what is
Namaste this and Namaste that
You begin to see
All is fleeting, all is flow
Your heart at once beats for sadness,
beats for joy, beats for life
The desire to be yourself sounds like a bizarre notion. Who else would you be but yourself? From the time I was a child I was told what to do, what to wear, and what to believe. My parents did this, along with the elders in my life to give me direction and guidance. But what happens when those you turn to for guidance are burnt out, stressed-out, angry, shame-full, and not living in their truth? Often and unknowingly they project onto you their own longings, disappointments, and fears. It took me until my late 30s to realize that much of my fears were not my own but my family’s fears. Some of it is the collective consciousness of a society that is afraid of stepping into joy fully.
Often we walk around as though we need permission to be happy. We look to others with puppy dogs eyes asking, is it okay? Am I allowed to do the things that make me happy? The universe will always respond with an astounding YES! Yes! It’s ok to be silly and dance around in your undies, even if you have kids. Yes, you can eat popsicles for breakfast if you want to! Yes, you can be beautiful without having a fashion model’s body and that person will still love you. Yes, to it all! Joy is real and it’s out there for our taking. An important step into accessing joy, is knowing yourself fully. Learn to decipher what are YOUR thoughts, beliefs, and values versus others’.
When I was younger I believed that I had to have a university degree, a high paying job, a husband, and a baby. All in that order before I was allowed to relax and be happy. As ridiculous as that sounds, I believed it to be true. When my life veered from this “perfect path”, I would carry anxiety throughout my body and mentally beat myself up with negative self-talk. In my mind, I was a failure. Looking back, I feel so much love for the young me and can laugh at myself for taking life way too seriously. There is no right or wrong path. That’s what makes it fun!
All those years of being tough on myself, could have been spared had I only known my limiting thoughts were fears projected onto me by my parents. With loving intention, my immigrant parents wanted their children to supersede them in every way. We were suppose to live the life they could only dream of. I was a pendulum, going back and forth between rebelliousness and a desire to reach for something that I wasn’t even sure I wanted. My joy quotient increased substantially when I was able to parse out what beliefs were actually mine. I learned to let go of my parents dream for me and created my own. What beliefs are you holding onto that are not yours?
Find a safe space where you can get quiet with yourself. Sit down, or kneel down with palms open. Relax your body by taking a few deep breaths and sink into the quiet. Ask God, the universe, (whatever you believe in) to show you clearly what thoughts, beliefs you are holding onto that are not yours. Allow this information to surface without judgement. When the practice is over write down what came to you. Your life will shift with this new awareness.
I trust that the love in me is the same love in you. But first, find out what is yours. Namaste
Screaming and shouting
Arms raised up in fists
A battle ensues
Love! they say
Love they do not show
with a quiet step
One step, two step
And allow the sun to fall gently on their faces
They move forward with their backs straight despite being beaten down
They have wings that only the 3rd eye can see
They are the angels of this earth,
the Light workers
Each a branch of love in action
Singing lullabies of forgiveness, performing dances of joy
Not too long ago I pulled my back. The story begins with me dancing around in my apartment to an old 80s tune. “Burning down the house”. I am having one of those moments when you feel unstoppable. I decided my living room needed a make-over and so I put my designer hat on and began to shuffle furniture around. I wanted the space to feel sparse and yet laden with crazy artistic energy. I am a writer! I say to myself and this space is going to reflect that. A full smile appeared on my face. My sacred space was starting to look perfect. Everything was going as planned except for one little thing. My A/C needed to be moved from the living room into my storage space. I had been meaning to get a friend to help me move it. “But why wait?” I thought to myself. “You can do this!” and so I did.
Just as I was almost at the finish line, I felt something in my lower back turn. Ow, I could barely move. I slowly made my way back to the living room and laid flat on my yoga mat staring up at the ceiling. I felt defeated. I turned off the Talking Heads on my stereo and in my mind. All was silenced except for the thumping of my lower back. “Darn it! So now what?” I decided to go inward.
This is what the process of self-love has been for me so far. Just when I think I have reached that ever so sweet spot of self-acceptance, another pain-body appears (aka the shit that comes up that you don’t want to face). I am told healing is like the unravelling of an onion with all its layers. I would add and all its tears. I hope when I leave this world I will do so smiling. For now, I want to write about the in-between; because I believe it is in these moments that we grow and learn from one another.
This blog is about self-love and my journey into the unknown of its terrain. What led me to become fascinated with self-love? It wasn’t a cognitive choice of sorts so much as a throttle, a shove from the good Lord above. Perhaps so I could learn to fly. I am building my self-love muscle. I share my reflections, interviews and poetry with you in the hopes you find some light. Some warmth in knowing you are not alone on your journey of self-discovery. Your feedback is also a way for me to know, I am not alone in mine. Namaste.